


the path (that we walk together)

by wackpainterkid (swanandapirate)



Series: Manon's Mondays [7]
Category: SKAM (Netherlands)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-07-28 07:14:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20060095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swanandapirate/pseuds/wackpainterkid
Summary: Noah tells Liv something that will heavily influence their future and Liv doubts whether she truly wants that future.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Manon’s Monday turned into wackpainterkid’s Wednesday, which then became Too late Thursdays because I’ve had a life lately, so great for me, less great for you but okay. The last few weeks you’ve gotten fluffy fics and it’s time to change that and for me to return to my roots: angst.

“I have some news,” Noah says to her. 

They’re sitting in his living room, almost cuddling but not really in the comfortable sofa that is placed there. They’re busy with being with each other, with talking, with listening, but besides that, they’re not actually doing anything. Nothing besides lounging, relaxing, breathing.

“Do you?” Liv replies but it’s an absentminded reflex, her question, meant as a sign that she’s listening when in reality her mind is currently focused on quickly finishing her message to the girls. Her fingers race across the keyboard as she types and form a message that confirms her presence at Isa’s place later today. The text gets sent and her phone ends up on the coffee table. She looks up, a small smile on her face that promises him he now has her undivided attention. “Do tell.” 

“Remember those portfolios I sent out to some more art schools?”

Her eyes widen as she gasps. She doesn’t need him to continue.

“Did you get in somewhere?” And for a question, it’s a very loud one. A soft chuckle escapes out of Noah’s mouth before he nods, which earns him an even louder response. “Noah!” she yells. “Oh my god, that’s great news. Told you you’d make it happen.” She playfully hits him in the shoulders.

Once the first rejection had trickled in, Noah had gotten down, demotivated. He began doubting all of his art, began doubting the idea to pursue an education in art altogether. She was the one that encouraged him to keep going, that told him to apply to more schools in the area. And it wasn't to just keep his hopes up or to keep him busy; it was because she genuinely believed in him, in his art, in what he stood for and what he created.

She still does.

“I know,” Noah says and all of that doubt that previously lingered in his eyes, in his words dissipates with the smile and dimples that appear.

“A proper art school,” Liv muses as she combs through his hair. “Maybe we shouldn’t call you wack painter kid anymore.” 

Of all the things she could say, he probably didn’t expect that because he laughs in response and decides to flip her off. He pulls her closer, though, off of her half of the couch onto his in a moment that is more tender and loving than the one that just transpired.

“What about... wack painter dude?” she proposes with a gleam in her eye. Her arms wrap around his neck.

“I think I prefer the first one.” His hands settle on her waist and bring her even closer.

“Me too,” she has to concur after thinking about it for a second.

Their faces are so close she can see the golden circle inside the blue of his irises. Untangling her arms, she places her hand on his cheek and her thumb brushes his skin. “Well done, wack painter kid.” Liv kisses him and he kisses back, and it feels like her heart sighs in happiness.

They spend the next moments just staring at one another, taking in every detail of each other’s face, every up and every down and every curve and every angle. They smile at each other, make faces at each other. Noah plays with a stray curl of her hair before he asks her if she wants something to drink. He kisses her again before Liv has to basically climb off of him to give him the room to move.

As she waits, she picks her phone up from the table and reads Engels’s excited response to their girls’ night later today. The text– there are about six exclamation marks involved– makes her chuckle and shake her head before she puts her phone back down.

Noah returns to the couch with some drinks for the both of them. He sets them on the table and plops down next to her again. Liv turns her head slightly to face him. “Oh. I forgot to ask. Which one did you get in? The one in Amsterdam?”

“Not exactly…” And it’s a weirdly evasive answer on a question that should be anything but.

“Okay... where did you get in then?” she asks and for some reason, a kernel of worry settles into her body.

Like her gut already knows something is wrong.

“The Royal Academy of Fine Arts in Antwerp,” Noah tells her and the way he says it is void of any emotion.

Gone is the joy, and the amusement, and the playfulness.

It’s neutral, and if Liv has to guess why she would say it’s most likely because he doesn’t know how she is going to react.

She doesn’t know how she should react either.

“Antwerp as in Antwerp, the city in Belgium?” she asks, her words slow and clear as she repeats, silently hoping he’ll stop her, correct her, laugh with the fact that she really thought he would go to Belgium. Anything really.

“Yes.”

Anything but that.

Her brow furrows. Antwerp surely doesn’t belong to the category “schools in the area” and it isn’t something that can be blamed on a misunderstanding or even semantics. Another country equals far away, even if they live in Europe and everything is close by.

“When was that ever an option?”

“It’s a renowned school,” he says as if it has always been an option. But if it was, why wasn’t she aware of it?

“And you didn’t think to tell me this?”

She straightens her back, the distance between them grows, it’s no longer the nearness from before. Their separation has now become great enough for Liv to see the tension in his shoulders, the slight tap on his foot on the floor.

“I didn’t think I would get in.” There is a blasé tone to his voice and that is definitely not what she needs right now, not what would do him, nor them good in the position that they’re in.

“That’s not an explanation, Noah.” She sounds consternated and it is because she thoroughly is. About this entire situation. “You _did _get in.”

“Liv, I know.” A hint of apology shines through. “But do remember that it’s only two hours from here.”

She knows that isn’t a lot. If it happened earlier, she wouldn’t have minded.

But then came Berlin.

And she missed him more than she could fathom, more than she could think she could miss someone before him.

It didn’t come in surges; it was just a constant thing, buzzing in the back of her mind. Often it got drowned out by the laughter of her friends, by the bass at a concert, by Skype’s dial tone she knew by heart by now.

It was in the evenings, however, when she missed his warmth next to her, in the mornings that she woke up without him that it engulfed her.

Noah had this whole new life in Berlin, and she caught glimpses of it in the pictures he sent her, in the stories he told her. A life with places he frequented that she had never been, with people he cared about that she had never met. He had a life and it was one she wasn’t part of. 

And that was difficult for her.

It wasn’t like she was so possessive or controlling that he couldn’t have a life of his own; it wasn’t even about that. It was about the possibility of that new life making him forget about his old one, about the one he had here with her in it. It was about the risk of that life becoming better, becoming so good that he decided to stay. That he decided to not come back.

That he decided to leave her.

And now thinking that she’ll have to go through that again makes her feel like she can’t properly breathe, like someone has a tight grip on her lungs and won’t let go.

“So, what now?” she asks and it’s a genuine question. She doesn’t know where they go from here, doesn’t know what the next step is.

“If you don’t want me to go, I won’t go,” he promises, and Liv knows he’s being sincere but still she nearly scoffs.

As if that’s an option.

As if there’s a reality where he doesn’t go and things stay the same.

She doesn’t know if she admires his optimism or despises his naiveté.

“So, you’ll grow to resent me for forcing you to stay?” she asks.

“I could never resent you.” It’s his turn to be hit with consternation now, consternation and earnestness. He takes her hand and squeezes it. She knows it’s another reassurance for her and that the tiny shake of his head is one for himself, but it doesn’t work, at least not on her.

She gently removes her hand out of his hold again.

“You say that now.”

He says that now but when things don’t go his way, he’ll always think “what if?” What if he had gone? What if he had chosen art, his first love, over her? What if he had made a mistake?

And it would break her heart if he’d think that.

“I say that now and I will continue to say that because it’s the truth.”

She stands up, leaves his proximity and rakes her fingers through her hair. Breathing out, her chest deflates, and she takes a big breath again. Her fingertips end on her temples and she watches her feet, before her eyes jump to Noah still sitting down, his own eyes trained on her, watching her with a focused gaze.

“I don’t want it,” she says, and she isn’t entirely sure about what she’s talking.

She doesn’t want him to leave, true.

She doesn’t want to go through what she went through when he was in Berlin, also true.

“Then I stay.” Noah stands up and they’re back on equal footing. As he approaches her, her look slowly travels upwards.

“No.” It’s out before she can truly think about it but once the word leaves her lips, there’s a shift that happens. Inside her brain, inside her body.

_No_ resonates in soundwaves through her thoughts, it vibrates through her bones. It muffles anything else.

“Liv, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that you should go but we should break up.”

It isn’t to make him abandon his dream, to force him to pick her. She’s giving him an out. An easy and clean one. 

She loves him, that’s why.

“You don’t mean that.”

“What if I do?”

She doesn’t even blink. 

“Liv,” he says and there’s a hurriedness in his voice. His hands end up on her face, brushing her hair behind her ear and then bringing it back, tangling it in the process His movements are almost erratic. “Liv, I don’t have to go,” he repeats.

She can see the pleading his eyes are doing but she ignores it, doesn’t acknowledge it.

She can’t. Because if she does, she’ll break. And she doesn’t know if she can recover from that.

“You should,” she contradicts him. “You said it yourself: it’s a renowned school. And it’s your dream to study art. I’m not going to stand in your way of achieving your dream.”

He lets go of her face and she misses his touch, his warmth immediately. She misses it but she doesn’t ask for it back. Dazed, Noah shakes his head. 

Liv can see the underlying anger building up inside of him. It’s accompanied by disappointment, but it isn’t necessarily directed towards her. Or at least, that’s what she thinks. What she tells herself.

He clears his throat.

“If that’s what you want,” he says, making sure she knows it isn’t what he wants.

She doesn’t tell him that it isn’t what she wants either.

Their drinks remain untouched on the coffee table, forgotten because all of the discourse, neglected because all of the turmoil.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After part one, welcome to part two of this fic, on Tuesday instead of Monday but that’s still less than a week since part one, so well done me. Hope you like it!

Liv leaves Noah’s house. 

He asks her to go and she complies.

It’s the least she can do.

She leaves him without properly saying goodbye, without looking back. If she would, she’d see the mess, the disaster that she left in her wake. How she just had to ruin everything.

She looks at her phone and the notifications on the screen remind her of the girls’ night she is supposed to attend.

And she really wishes she could cancel but she’s supposed to be there in ten minutes, and they’ll know something is up if she cancels this last minute, especially since she said she’d come only an hour ago.

But things were very different then still.

Happier and more carefree.

Now she wishes she could cancel and instead sit in her room, all alone, without any fuss, without having to pretend to laugh, to be joyful while she is anything but.

Liv looks up at the window that looks out on the street, at the room they spent so many happy moments in.

He is probably in there right now. Angry with her. Disappointed in her. Sad about them.

Maybe he’ll paint. Put on a record. Try to forget about her and all the misery she puts him through.

Fuck.

She slightly bows, one hand braced on the saddle of her bicycle, the other pressed against her chest. She stays there for a while, right outside of his front door while trying to get some air into her lungs, while trying to shake off the impact of what has just taken place. 

It doesn’t completely leave her, the shock. It lingers but she can’t delay leaving for Isa’s anymore. 

After unlocking her bike, Liv leaves Noah’s house. She pedals like her life depends on it, every cycle harder than the next until she feels the ache building up in her legs. 

The wind blows through her hair, whistles along her ear. It helps. It disperses her thoughts like sand grains caught in a gust of wind. 

Only partly, however, because as soon as she arrives, as she stops cycling, the thoughts all return. They solidify, become heavy and weigh her down every step she takes towards the door.

“Liv!” Isa beams as she opens the door.

Liv’s own—fake—smile pales in comparison to hers—even though she is putting a lot of effort into keeping it on her face—but Isa doesn’t seem to notice the lack of enthusiasm or the fact that Liv is far more reticent than she was earlier via text.

“The others are already here, come on in.”

In, they walk and indeed, Janna and Engel are already sitting comfortably in Isa’s living room.

“Hey, guys.” Liv avoids going in for hugs, her friends will have to settle for a quick and distant wave. She really doesn’t have the energy for anything else right now.

“Livvielove!” Janna says in a way only she could. 

“Hey, Liv.” Engel’s greeting is far calmer but no less warmly. She smiles and pats on the empty spot next to her on the couch.

Liv accepts the invitation and settles into the couch. The entire action of her sitting down is quite unceremonious and it’s a good representative of how she feels.

“Girls, some wine?” Isa asks, a sense of playfulness in her expression.

“Yes, please,” Janna and Engel reply in unison.

It’s not her intention but Liv tunes out of the conversation. Her gaze ends up on an empty wall and she stares at. Just stares. And while she does, her thoughts take over; it’s as if someone suddenly decides to crank up the volume, to make them so loud it drowns out everything else.

A hand on her shoulder pulls her out of her thoughts.

She blinks and takes a deep breath, shaking her head before she looks back at her friends. At Engel, whose perfectly manicured hand now leaves her shoulder; at Isa, who is still standing in the doorway towards the kitchen; at Janna, who has a small smile on her lips.

“Sorry, what?”

“I asked what you wanted to drink,” Isa says.

“Oh. Water is fine.”

Isa nods, her curls bouncing with the movement and disappears into the kitchen to fetch the requested drinks.

Liv sits a bit straighter and tries to act as normal as possible, tries to pretend what just happened doesn’t matter whatsoever.

“Someone is a bit distracted today.” And Janna smirks and leans closer to the couch, her head resting on her hand. It’s like she is aware of something Liv herself doesn’t know about. “Might it be a certain wack painter kid causing this distraction?”

She ignores the way the nickname stings, attempts to stop the memory of discussing it, all happy and amused not even a few hours ago, from reappearing.

“Jan, you should call Noah by his name,” Engels says with a tone that’s slightly reprimanding. “He and Liv have been together for long enough now.”

Well, Liv made it the full three minutes before having to mention this, but she has to because she will not be able to take a whole evening of talk about Noah and her as if everything is fine between them. As if she didn’t just decide to break up with him.

She waits until Isa returns, her hands full with glasses, a bottle of wine nestled in the crook of her elbow, and lets her safely deposit everything on the table. Liv doesn’t want any glasses falling dramatically, would like to avoid it entirely if possible, so she waits a tiny bit longer before sharing the news that will have enough of an impact on her friends on its own.

“We’re not together anymore.”

“What do you mean: you’re not together anymore?” Engel frowns while watching Liv with a tilted head and big eyes. 

“Engel, what do you think it means? We’re not together anymore.” 

And she’s maybe a tad too harsh in her reply but she simply wants to cover this as fast as possible and then move on.

“Okay sorry, Liv. I just mean that I wasn’t expecting it.”

“Are you okay?” Isa asks with worry in her eyes.

“I’m absolutely fine,” she lies. “I broke up with him. We had a good run, but it wasn’t going to work anymore.”

And she doesn’t exactly know how she’s keeping her voice so cool, her tone so business-like. But she’s glad for it.

Because if it were to reflect how she truly feels, her friends would only worry even more.

She takes a sip of her water.

The room falls silent.

And her friends try to be subtle about it, but she can see the questioning looks being shared between them and the concerned glances that end up on her.

“I’m going home,” she announces, and she doesn’t wait on a reaction on their part to get out of the couch and head for the front door.

“Liv, wait!” Isa yells but Liv doesn’t stop. Isa, however, doesn’t give up and chases her; she manages to catch up with her right as Liv tries to shut the door behind her.

“Wait,” she repeats. “Don’t take it the wrong way, Liv. We’re all just trying to understand why you broke up. I thought things were going great between you two.”

They were.

Liv sighs and turns around.

“And then they weren’t, and we broke up. End of story.”

Isa’s eyebrows furrow and Liv knows that she isn’t buying her story. 

“Liv.” She with a stern look. “You know I’m here if you want to talk about it.” 

“Won’t be necessary.”

Isa lets her go for now, but Liv knows that this privilege is limited, that somewhere in Isa’s head there’s a clock ticking, counting down the amount of time she is going to give her before she forces her to talk and open up. Liv just hopes it’s long enough for herself to work through it, to at least go through some of the stages she needs to go through.

The bike ride to her apartment, in contrast to her earlier one, is slow; it almost feels like she’s dragging herself there, that every paddle takes double the effort of what it normally takes, like she’s constantly cycling uphill while the road is as flat as they come.

By some miracle, she makes it home.

Taking a moment, Liv exhales and rubs her face as she reaches her front door. 

The lights are dimmed, and it seems like no one is present. And relief becomes prevalent. She can do without Ralph’s curiosity or Jayden’s oblivion.

The first signs of twilight change the sky.

Liv falls into her bed, not even bothering to ignite her lamp or to take off her shoes

There’s a lack of anything else, of people, of sounds. Or there’s just nothing and it’s the nothingness that leaves way for the realization to creep in, for it to overwhelm her like a tidal wave of emotions.

And with the realization, with the emotions come the tears. 

She takes a haggard breath.

She doesn’t have the right to be sad, not when this was her choice, she decided to leave him, to break things off. She only has herself to blame.

It’s not like she didn’t know how life without him was like but somehow, she figured that it would be different if she just severed ties.

Because she wants him to move on with his life, pursue his art without having to look back, without having to take her into account, without having to constantly think about how she’s here. She doesn’t want to be an anchor holding him back.

And most importantly, she didn’t want him to realize that.

Liv left him before he could leave her.

Now, all that’s left are the repercussions of that decision.

Never hearing his laugh again, never seeing him painting with a concentrated frown, never finding little haikus he’s hidden for her.

Breaking up with him was the worst fucking decision she’s made in a long time.

-/-

It’s been two days since she broke up with Noah.

She’s also been feeling terrible for two days.

The correlation isn’t difficult to see.

Because life without him at all is so much worse than life without him some of the time.

Liv doesn’t really know why she thought it would be otherwise.

Besides feeling like the world’s shittiest person, she also discovered that Isa’s time limit consisted of exactly twenty-four hours when the doorbell rang yesterday, precisely one day after Liv stormed out of Isa’s place. And kept on ringing until she opened it, revealing an impatient Isa who let out an exasperated “Finally.” and invited herself in.

Isa forced her to talk, to tell what had really happened, made her share all of her thoughts and all of her emotions. Once she had, Liv felt drained, exhausted and Isa was looking at her with a look that screamed both confusion and disgruntlement. But in a nice way. In a best friend way.

“He deserves an apology,” she said. “You have to go to him and apologize, as soon as possible.”

“What makes you think he’ll want to listen to what I have to say. He might just slam the door in my face.”

“He might be angry with you but that won’t change the fact that he loves you.”

And that makes that she’s now standing in front of his front door, nervously fiddling with her hands, trying to muster the courage to ring the doorbell.

She finally does.

He opens the door and looks as surprised as the first time she rang his doorbell, almost looks happy to see her before he remembers everything. Liv can see his own realization and the spark disappears from his expression.

“Hi,” she says.

“What do you want?’

“I was wondering whether you’d agree to take a walk with me.” There’s hesitation scattered over every word.

“Fine.”

But instead of joining her, Noah slams the door shut. Liv watches it happen, stunned. She doesn’t move. She just stares at the closed door wondering what she’s supposed to do now. Because all of this—her returning, apologizing, trying to fix her mistakes—was depending on him loving her enough to not slam the door in her face, which he just did.

That’s probably the clearest answer she can get.

She fucked up.

Liv is just about to leave, just about to truly damn herself for ruining her relationship when the door opens again. Noah comes out without an explanation of what just happened, but he has a light jacket to cover his shirt and his socked feet are now hidden in a pair of shoes.

He runs his hand through his hair and quickly descends the stairs, bringing him next to Liv again. His eyebrows go up in a question and Liv silently acquiesces by beginning their walk towards the park across from his house.

They meander in silence for a while. He’s probably waiting on her to say something while she’s trying to muster up the courage to say what she wants to say, what she needs to say.

“Why am I here, Liv?” Noah asks, turning to her and stopping their walk. “If you’ve got something to say, just say it.”

Liv looks up from her feet. His eyes watch her intensely.

She fills her lungs with air and meets his stare.

“I’m sorry.”

And just by the look of him, just saying sorry won’t cut it, won’t be enough for him to be able to ignore his anger towards her and forgive her. Liv knows she’s going to have to tell him why she broke up with him, why she is already regretting that decision after two days.

It involves telling him something she’s never told him before. Maybe she should’ve, maybe that would have avoided all of the turmoil and agony.

It’s not that she didn’t trust him, because she does, to bare your innermost feelings and fears, even to him. She didn’t want him to think of her as weak, as vulnerable.

“I’m sorry,” she repeats when Noah continues to watch her. “I just– I missed you so much when you were in Berlin.” She can feel the tears coming. “I never truly told you how much because I didn’t want to worry you, but I was so afraid you’d like your new life more than the life you had here and that you would decide to stay forever.” Liv wipes a fallen tear from the apple of her cheek. “And I know that is an irrational thought, but I don’t see my parents either because they decided their life in Spain is better than a life with me in it. Sometimes, it feels like people run away from me, like I’m not worth–”

“Hey, you,” he interrupts her, placing his hands on her cheeks and just the warmth of his skin against hers, just his touch makes her want to turn into a bawling, blubbering mess. She can’t, however, because they are in a very public place with other people passing by. “Don’t. It’s not true.”

Liv has to resist looking away as he brushes some tears away. He places a kiss on her forehead. She closes her eyes and more tears fall.

“I’m sorry.” And Liv has lost count of how many times she’s said it by now, but she doesn’t mean it any less. “For everything I said because none of it is true. And for everything I didn’t tell you. You should go to Antwerp, but we shouldn’t break up. Or I don’t want us to break up.”

Noah brushes a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I’m sorry too,” he tells her. “I should’ve told you from the beginning. Liv, I don’t want you to think that me studying in Antwerp means I have decided or at some point will decide to leave you.” 

“I’m just going to miss you so much,” she admits.

“You know how much I’m going to miss you?” he asks “Me? The guy who somehow misses you right now. I could barely survive these two days without hearing or seeing you.”

Liv lets out a sad laugh. He does make a point; how could she ever have thought that he would leave her.

“I’ll be back,” he promises. “Every weekend. And you could come to visit me. We’ll make it work. You just have to trust me.”

“I do.” 

“I trust you too. You know what that means? As long as you trust me and I trust you, we have nothing to worry about.”

And at that moment, Liv knows he’s right. That she has little to fear.

Because they love each other.

Because they trust each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end. It’s bittersweet but that’s life for ya, guys. And while we’re in the mood, I’ve got some sad news for you. This is going to be the last Manon’s Mondays for a while. I’m not sure for how long but I think it’s safe to say I won’t post any new fics until late September.
> 
> After a good month of chilling and vacation, the time has now come again where I have to prioritize school and exams over other things. I do promise that Manon’s Mondays will return (hopefully when it does we’ll have our s3 confirmation), I still have a list of prompts that needs to be checked off. I’m just putting it on hold for now. Thank you for reading all of my word vomiting in the past weeks! Oh and I’ll still be active on Tumblr so feel free to drop by whenever
> 
> As always: ♥ for @whatadaze for cheerleading 24/7

**Author's Note:**

> Hahahahah I'm evil I know. Part two coming on Monday (hopefully)


End file.
